2010-07-03

Where We're Going, We Won't Need Running Commentary

"Once this baby hits 88 miles an hour... you're gonna see some serious shit."
--Dr. Emmett L. Brown


Twenty-five years ago today -- July 3rd, 1985 -- these immortal words (among others) were played for North American audiences for the first time. Since then, Back to the Future has become one of the most enduring films of all time, despite having been set in two different times altogether. Since I realized I haven't done a post in a while (sorry, entire month of June), I've decided to fill the void with random thoughts as I watch the film. Enjoy.

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The Universal logo just came up without any indication of putting on my 3-D glasses. So far, so good.

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Aaaaand cue the boldest and greatest film logo in history. Seriously, look at this thing and tell me you don't want to make sweet, sweet love to it.

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Pro tip: If the reckless scientist tells you there's a "slight possibility of overload" with the expensive musical equipment, don't test aforementioned scientist's theory unless it's in the form of rock music.

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Fun Fact: The guy at Marty's audition saying "I'm afraid you're just too darn loud" is none other than Huey Lewis, the man who wrote and performs the very song that Marty & Co. try out with.

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"I just don't think I'm cut out for music." Who is he, Chad Kroeger?

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"I can't believe you loaned me your car without tellin' me it had a blind spot." Enter the greatest bully in history, Biff Tannen. Were it not for him, the biggest buttheads of the world would remain oblivious to the fact.

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Two great things introduced in one scene: the Delorean time machine and Alan Silvestri's score.

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To hell with Call of Duty, I want the game that Doc's playing with the time machine. I believe it's called "Race The Car Directly At Us So If The Experiment Fails, We'll Still Save On A Funeral".

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I know Homeland Security didn't technically exist in 1985, but something should've tipped off the powers that be about the Libyan terrorists... perhaps the Uzi's, bazookas and/or sketchy Volkswagen van.

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Ah, here we see a fine demonstration of 1950's cultural tolerance as Old Man Peabody greets our hero with scattershot and ethnic slurs about mutants. Still, despite this and a few other things, I'd still want to go back to 1955 the most. Disneyland opening day road trip, y'all.

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The guy constantly wearing the 3-D glasses (listed in the credits as "3-D") would probably LOVE the current trend in filmmaking.

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George McFly is up a tree looking at half-nekkid ladies through binoculars. Looks like someone needs an Internet.

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Lorraine thinks Marty's name is Calvin Klein because it's written on his underwear. Dear Lord, can you imagine that being filmed today? "The hell kind of a name is TAPOUT, anyway?"

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Another pro tip: If a guy wearing a strange metal hat drags you into his house without consent and hooks you up to a machine, you'd better hope he's just a well-intentioned scientist.

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Doc Brown is marvelling at the ability to shoot home video. I think the thrill would wear off quickly if he were introduced to Youtube; he'd spend the rest of his days as a scientist experimenting with the properties of Diet Coke and Mentos.

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If I played a drinking game for every time the title is mentioned in the trilogy, I'd be on the floor before the Delorean even flies.

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Maybe this "great Scot" Doc keeps bringing up is Braveheart?

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"Make like a tree... and get outta here." Looks like Biff is already overqualified to post on the Interwebs.

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"Silence, Earthling! My name is Darth Vader. I am an extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcan!" Eh, still beats the prequels.

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First it was George in a tree, now it's Lorraine back at Doc's place. Was stalking just sort of a "thing" for teens back then?

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The look on Doc's face when the car catches fire has more acting in it than the entire Twilight franchise.

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When Doc is tuning up the electrical wire near the clock tower, a policeman stops him and asks if he has a permit for his "specialized weather equipment". They never actually show how he weaseled his way out of that, but I like to think it somehow involved a tire iron and a well-placed Yakity Sax.

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Speaking of musical instruments, I think that Johnny B. Goode could benefit a little bit from the now-popular Vuvuzela Treatment. "Hey, Chuck! Y'know that new sound you were lookin' for? Well, listen to this!" *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

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That's some amazingly slow, plot-solving lightning right there... and I love every single damned millisecond of it.

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Doc for the win with the bulletproof vest. Of all the scientific reasoning in the world, "Well, I figured... what the hell?" is among the best.

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And so, our hero gets the girl, our hero's dad gets the girl, Marty gets the 4x4 and gets the eccentric old man to come back and say something's wrong with his kids while riding in a flying car. BEST. MOVIE. EVER.

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Well, I thank you all who have read this crazy on-the-fly review of an equally crazy (and awesome) on-the-fly film. Happy 25th, Back to the Future!

Dan